Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Woe

on her last day
she sent a long email
a bubba misa
a life story
in her 42 years she wrote
she had never had so much trouble

a young daughter
an older man
hacked bank accounts
stolen credit cards
a rape
a beating

please don't throw us out
we have nowhere to go
no relatives to take us in
they don't want us
wrote the mother of the fallen princess
telling her tale of woe

the eviction stands we write back
it cannot be altered
it is out of our hands
had we known
things might have been different
we are sorry

she pleads and apologizes
shows remorse
almost garners sympathy
but we remember the bad checks
and the last bubba misa
we are sorry we say again

we collect the back rent
heave a sigh of relief
move on
find someone new
knowing that in six months
there would have been another bubba misa

Pitties

Early morning
Overcast holiday weekend
One foot in front of the other
Along a familiar path
Ahead two large brown dogs
Pit bulls
No option to run
No place to seek cover
I crouch
Bracing to die
They run towards me
I am ready
I have no stick
Only my wits
And my own big dog at home
I wait
My eyes nearly closed
They leap and bound together
One jumps at me
I nearly fall over
But I notice wagging tails
Flapping tongues
Smiling dog lips
Play play play they say
Off I say
They obey
Back I say
They follow me
I notice an open gate
Come I say
They prance through into the yard beyond
I slam it shut
Hope it's where they live
And walk on

Monday, April 29, 2013

Dave

Let me help you with that he said
She hands him her broken sunglasses
He takes them with brown competent hands
Rolls them over
Eyes them seeking the problem

She watches wondering why she didn't fix them herself
I always fix them myself
I can fix them myself
I should fix them myself
I fix everything myself

Her hands ache to take back her glasses
Her competence and skills strain to prevail
But a tiny sense of prescience blocks her instinct
Instead she sits back in her chair
Sips her coffee and epiphanizes

In an instant he hands her sunglasses back
Intact and whole ready to wear again
She places them on her head
And finally knows in that moment
What help and care feel like

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Yiddishkeit

mother gets letters written in yiddish
from her mother faraway in los angeles
a strange scrawl always on blue paper
hebrew script flows right to left
a gentle aleph bet calls out family gossip and stories

father talks with his father in yiddish
seated in overstuffed armchairs
cigar smoke clouds their beards
hoarse and throaty the blacksmith and his son growl
a gruff german tinged with Auschwitz and war

mother and father speak yiddish to each other
their only daughter does not understand
she strains to hear familiar words
to make sense of the hebreic german
slowly she pieces together the guttural sounds

kinder means children
nacht night
geh schlafen go to sleep her mother says
a machaya a pleasure her father says
hund they call the dog

the daughter picks up droplets of yiddishkeit
she strings them around her neck
morsels of songs and stories
she cobbles them into memories
and wears them everyday

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Sit

Early morning quiet walk
Up the street
Past the dry fountain begging to gurgle again
Counting cyprus trees leaning against a cobalt sky
Guardians of my path

A wild man suddenly blocks my stride
I need help he says
I cringe taught to expect the worst
I can't I say
You must he says

He beckons to a wooden gate
Each piece of cedar familiar to me
Now shuddering from heavy blows
I found him in the middle of the street the wild man says
I locked him in for his own safety

I have to go I say
The gate flies open
A slight very young black man stands very still before me
But his arms dangle willy-nilly at his sides
He shifts from foot to foot
His eyes circle round and round in their orbits

He must like women the wild man says
He struggled fearfully when I pulled him from traffic
I have to be someplace I say
The young man is quiet yet unaware
Heedless and unmindful

You must stay with him
He is calm now but he knows nothing of the world the wild man says
Sit I say to the young man
He sits on the stoop
What is your name but he is silent
Unknowing and oblivious

I call my husband
I call the police
I look for the wild man but he is gone
I count the seconds
The young man sits

A critically missing person the police said
Wondered away from his mother and his home
Sit I said and he sat
Together we waited
He in his world and I in mine

Then he is gone
Back to safety
I sit on the stoop
A temporary mother to a severely disabled son
A bewildered heroine unable to go anywhere

Friday, April 26, 2013

Harmony

I shall dye my hair orange she said.
Your hair looks beautiful just as it is he said.
But I will look younger she said.
You are perfect as you are he said.

If we were married you'd drench me in diamonds she said.
More than diamonds he said.
You'd make me giveaway my costume jewelry she said.
I would cover you in emeralds he said.

Come sail away with me down the Danube he said.
I'll still wear jeans and tennis shoes she said.
We will glide past castles and forests on a small river boat he said.
I won't ever want to go home she said.

Are you coming today he said. I shall save half the croissant.
No not today she said. I am eating with the ladies.
Tomorrow then he said.
Yes she said. I'll be there tomorrow.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Hardbacks

a new rule...
placed to govern...
meant to alleviate a problem...
an edict issued....

no hardbacks allowed...
too heavy to hold while reading...
only paperbacks permitted...
a book club bibliophile writhes at the notion...

what constitutes too big...
dare to define it...
a hundred pages...
a thousand...
tome versus primer...

mandate a weight designation...
before the content settles...
after it settles...
magnum opus versus cereal box...

fat unwieldy treatises fall to fat unyielding bookworms...
now skinny great works...
easy to hold...
fast reads...
herald the future

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Diamond

Touched by eternity...if only for a moment...unknowingly healed...the sensation of the breadth and width of infinity...of all matter...from the minutest of particles to the most massive of galaxies...spiraled through the tiny blond girl...briefly...an instant there...an instant gone...she knew but didn't know that she was not alone...was never alone...and would never be alone...a pulsating diamond left inside...a piece of God to keep her going...a hand to pull her back from her exploded world...to steady her...to rewire a smashed heart...to pull together the bits and pieces...to create a jerry-rigged whole...to begin the healing...I must have done something terribly wrong for my mother to have given me away she thought...and buried the vibrant gem stone...pushed it way down...then covered it with blood and fresh young flesh

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Diego

I hold my breath as he crosses the street...he owns the traffic with his wide stride...each step course and jagged...the crosswalk bows before him...the curb offers its hat and cloak...a rocker mohawk crowns him...his swaddling leather riffs as he walks...chains drum a beat that announces him as he goes...he turns and his tattoos scream...he disappears...I exhale...

The circle beckons...
I sit...
I chat...

I hold my breath as he crosses the room...yielding to it...each step purposeful...an empty chair curtsies before him...he gallantly sits...he runs his hand through his crown mohawk...his leather quiets as he settles in...his chains lay obediently on his lap...he turns and his tattoos weep...my name is Diego he says lisping slightly his voice a quiet hum...he softens...I lighten...

Monday, April 22, 2013

Perfection

quantum physics...particle theory...dark matter...dark energy...
consciousness...connected...linked...joined into a great bolus of unanswered questions...
minds too small to grasp them...too limited by language to describe them...
tiny specks attempting to work out the secrets of the universe...

but really...

what if the rainbow bridge hides behind dark matter...
what if black holes lead directly to nirvana...
if phantasmagoria is bound up in dark energy...
sub atomic particles so small that experimenter and experiment become one...

from dust to dust...

human flesh decomposes...shrinks smaller and smaller...
down to the tiniest of bits...
reunites with the universe...with the creator...
matter returning to its origins...

and but for the few who have journeyed from death and back...
vast swaths of humanity exist unable to fathom the perfection that hovers just beyond reach

Apocrypha

A small girl...stands in her green overstuffed living room...listens to a record player...a black vinyl spins...que sera sera fills the room...she sings...whatever will be will be...the music fills her...she swells with notes and words...beatitude overcomes her...in a random omniscient moment she knows the answer to every question...for an epochal second she contains all knowledge...she is connected...absorbed...she is no longer she...she is merged...what is life...what is consciousness...the responses become her...the information binds her up...and she becomes One...and then not...she is simply singing...que sera sera...she reaches...gropes at a void that is there but not there...and then she goes outside to play

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Phantasmagoria

Afterlife...the unknown that is death...the disturbing nagging thought of nothing...of non-existence...of not knowing to knowing to not knowing...before birth...life...after death...from nothing to something to nothing...but there has always been something...it says so in history books...in stories and tales of the past...in photos and paintings...as though it was real...and it was to those who lived it...but to those who did not...the past blends with memories as they become the past…consciousness absorbs the sum total of history...but of death there is only hearsay...the experiences of those who have died and come back...claims of inexplicable dimensions...of fantastic realms...of sensing the reality of God...brain dead people returned from the ever after...perhaps chosen to relate their fate...sharing claims of untapped knowledge...of all questions answered...attempts to comfort the living...to let us know that we are loved...that all is well in the end...and what of the long dead...does the phantasmagoria go on forever...does it disappear when the brain is dust...when the corporeal dwindles to nothing...when the coffins and crypts are finally devoid of their contents...it is only a momentary comfort...a drop of salve on the course of eternity...a curve ball tossed at a dying batter...who swings and misses...out cries the umpire God...and the batter is gone

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Romp

Cavorting...frolicking...youngsters dancing through new moves...tails flicking...tiny paws pattering...released for the first time from momma...a vast world before them...set free to run amuck between the patio table and chairs...a race up the brick pillar...bounce into the old dove nest...tumble down...scramble around the barbecue...brushes and tongs fly...scattering before the tumult...
clattering...chattering...chasing...circling...they disappear from view...into the jungle yard...lost in the hound pot holes...the jumbled greenery...rotting ground fruit...off to join their fellow peanut grubbers...and so too three women...sans spouses...manless in the evening...set off to cavort and frolic...see a movie...order drinks...share a meal...and talk about running amuck in their vast worlds of mothering...wife-ing...daughter-ing...of setting themselves free of such matters...of eyeing a table of luscious young men seated nearby...of giggling what ifs...of bouncing from the old nest...of scrambling...
scattering...chattering...of dancing new moves...tails flicking...of disappearing..of smashing succulent ground fruit and delightly smearing it over their bodies

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Eighteen

Eighteen...poem 18...of course 18...today is the 18th...natal birthday 18th...62 years ago...4-18...a set of numbers seen at least twice a day if one notices the time...four times 18 equals 72...seven plus two equals nine...so does one plus eight...numerology...perhaps the ancient Mayans could have made something of the combinations...predicted the end of the world...or some other cataclysmic event...maybe the Kabbalists would have found solace in the numbers...or created a golem instead...four times 18 equals four times chai...four times life...baruch atah adonai...blessed art thou oh Lord our God...the Jews pray...that single line equaling a prayer...short and simple...yet adequate enough to reach out to heaven...the Chinese believe the number eight brings luck...62...six plus two equals eight...a friend says 62 is a good year...after one day it has a good feel...it brings a sense of fullness...richness...satisfaction...of admiring accomplishments and feats...of heaving a sigh of relief...a chance to look back...to look forward...a Janus seeing both sides...four times 18 equals four times chai...a lot of life has passed...six plus two equals eight...lucky number...perhaps a lucky year

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Disguise

The eloquent gentleman...trundles in a bit late...usually sits in the corner...the seat that is neither on one wall or the other...that looks out at the whole of the room...a most excellent vantage point from which to speak...and he does...often and profoundly...touching on one point or another...sparking new ideas...sprinkling take along gems among his listeners...but he has no face...a hat covers the top of his head...dark glasses adorn his nose...and a scarf hides his chin...bundled against the cold...against his audience...perhaps speaking is easier unseen...a voice sans visage...emerging from pale lips pasted on his mouth...until one day his chapeau is gone...placed quietly on his lap...his spectacles ride high on his head...his scarf dangles loosely down his seated torso...exposed are magnetic green eyes...a roman nose with strong jaw below...freshly cut dark summer hair holds court over his countenance...and his words are no longer audible...lost in the unmitigated handsomeness that has emerged...a gorgeous man no longer hidden from inquisitive eyes...his voice silent...his audience lost...taken by his good looks they cannot listen...and so he slowly dons his hat...plunks his glasses back on his nose...the scarf remains hanging...a reminder...a tease...offering a speck of hope...an elusive dream...but once again he speaks and once again his audience hears

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Garnishes

Fragments of a former life...all that's left...the diversions...the distractions from busyness...from the service to others...recreation and play...refuges from stress and hassle...from managing and directing...from deciding...rescue pods of creativity and satisfaction that rose through hecticness...salving anxiety...placating worry...music...writing...cooking...collecting...now stretched thin to cover emptiness...enough yet not enough...never meant to be the centerpieces...they are the side dishes now being served as the main course...how odd to sup on scraps...and yet the days are filled...moving from one thing to another...learn a new piece of music...write a blog...lunch out...but way too quiet...no energy...no vigor...only humdrum...nothing from which to draw gusto and enthusiasm...no pressure...no deadlines...no aggravation...no need for the garnishes

Monday, April 15, 2013

Lipstick

Creamy...luscious...red...it beckoned from its miniscule tube...a change from the bland...from the coppers...beiges...grape glosses...violet shimmers...a statement...a step out from the expected...from business as usual...out of so many possibilities...the rainbow of choices...the he-she sales person...a diva in his own regard...owner of a dedicated room housing his makeup collection...offered encouragement...a sample dabbed on...the lit mirror opined its approval...the cash register applauded vigorously anticipating the debut...the unveiling...the entrance upon the day...of lips...scarlet and pursed...leading the way...undaunted...hailing the world...obscuring other facial features...rendering them invisible…unnoticed behind the brilliance…a red doorway into the soul…a crimson aperture…a mouth loudly proclaiming itself without making a sound…of tissue obliterating a painted cherry heart…silencing its noise…of slipping back into the quiet world of fawn…taupe…and barely there


Sunday, April 14, 2013

Defiance

Pink and white splatter...colors peeking boldly through the rough greenery of ivy...thrust up in defiance of the overgrowth...single...alone...I am here the geranium announces...I have been here...I will always be here...brush up against me and I will laden you with a stink...I am not a rose...sweet smelling...the stuff of perfumes and lotions...of love and passion...but I have no thorns...no need of them...I am eternal...I live on...sometimes full...abundant...loaded with blooms...other times scraggly...bare of leaf and flower...I dwell along walls and fences...I define beginnings and endings...fronts...backs....sides...I am strong with purpose...I am not an ambling ground cover...aimlessly wandering...hiding the dark earth underbelly...slinking along...a foreboding hindrance...I am welcoming...I beckon those who attend...I am loud and bright...reds...pinks...whites...multis...I am part of the exuberance called nature...I am resilient...so grow over me...I will find my way out...push me down...I will burst forth...even as one lone bloom...singly making myself known...I will not be forgotten...I will remain...fulfilling my destiny...sustaining...defining...even to catching the attention of a lone walker...who smiles at me...and remembers me.



Saturday, April 13, 2013

News

Christy he says...I just want ya' to know that I still love ya' he says...it's been 16 years but I still think about ya' everyday he says...he puts down his fake cell and takes out his harmonica...the tune is monotonous...goes nowhere...hangs in the air above the coffee bar patio...God loves you he calls out to a passerby...Christ died for your sins he says to the table of Israelis...Christ was a Jew they tell him...he picks up his backpack...puts away his play phone and harmonica...gets on his bike...a sign on its front basket says Gregory News Network...and rides away.


Enough

In the morning I took a photo but it was not enough...
so I created a meme but that was not enough...
then I posted it for all to see but that was not enough...

so then I took a walk to clear my head.

In the afternoon I collected money for charity but that was not enough...
so I took up my flute and learned a new piece of music but that was not enough...
then I wrote a poem...in fact I wrote ten of them but they were not enough...

so then I took a nap and dreamt.

A newborn who was not enough for its birth parents to keep...
so a wee baby was adopted who was never enough to make its mother happy...
then I awoke I knew why enough had never been enough...

so then I decided that enough was enough.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Scrabble

Goad...a six-point word...first down on the board...gets a double score...goad...provoke...challenge...rile...an interesting first word...a first game played...the first contact with an old neighborhood acquaintance...to which I reply shard...because that's what he did...drove a shard through my psyche...a tease and run...so long ago...little bully that he was...it came as a shock...the challenge to scrabble...perhaps the memory not shared...only mine alone...but goad...so loaded...so spiteful...so curious...an unconscious reminder of a deed so deep in the past...and so I play thug...and he plays fangs...scary I say...and he says damn...I toss in amity...he trumps with jilt...75 points...and runs...there is no catching him...again


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Art

Art is not Art but is Art...a little man with hiked up jeans and logo tee...bicycle rider...coffee drinker...lives with his brother down the street...not bad looking Art...but a little bit odd Art is...sits alone on the coffee bar patio...always the same table...always facing the same way...a cubist...expected...sought after...for what would coffee be without Art...reading the paper...jumping into conversations now and then...abstract expressionism...sometimes sensible sometimes not...obtuse...his lines blur...French impressionism...a near-sighted Monet needing glasses...a coffee cup and ice water...simply juxtaposed...left and right...right and left...Magritte sur la table...Art is not Art but is Art

Music

Follow the runs...up they soar...down they fall...note after note...in rapid succession...chasing each other along the staff...the mind can watch them...sometimes vivace...sometimes andante...regardless of key...they flow...staccato...legato...seconds...thirds...half steps...accidentals...naturals...sharps...flats...all gather...weaving the fabric...strings...winds...pick out the flute...sometimes attached to the oboe or the clarinet...timbre changing with each pairing...always listening for that deep shimmering richness...measuring it against the best...that abundance of sound that comes from the openness of the body...of air directed over silver...of vast breaths...of whole notes and half notes dangling...landing pads only to be off again running...but what of silence...quiet white space...rests...respite...of listening to nothingness...to the noises of being...of blood coursing...of fingers clasping thumbs...a last vestige of infanthood...of tongue in repose pressed against teeth...waiting to lend itself in service to speech and feeding...cessation...now a tableau of solitude...of release...a welcome lull

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Ennui

Another day passed...a look at the to-do list...miscellany...mundane minutia...necessary but boring...nothing interesting...must dos but don't want to dos...the keep-moving-forward stuff...automaton suit up and show up...a list of discontent...weariness...of ennui...no pay off from crossing something off...no sense of control...and of stimulating projects...the ones of deep meaning and fulfillment...of dense complexity...those are the stuff of the past...a giant red flag waves at the mere thought...a huge blockade of no...of can't...of won't...and the world grows smaller...wallpapered by so what

Monday, April 8, 2013

Lilt

The L became nearly visible...it lingered for a moment...a wisp...an almost visible specter...tried to catch it...hold on to it but it dissipated...fled...afraid to exist...certainly afraid to bring back its friends I L T...all previous realities disappeared...a new normal...a blank white page...an empty garden...caked hard soil...dryness shimmering in the strong light...too bright to see the way...too hot to do the back bending work...too much room to take a step...any step... backwards...forwards...sideways...up...down...no deliberate movement...just float...unimpaired drift...no place for a lilt...but sometimes it belays...just above the horizon...partially showing itself...L it says...a light translucent cloud...a brief green flash...buzzing flickering neon...semi transparent...portending...an allusion of possibilities

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Hound

And then there’s the hound…long legs…nosy snout…slender body…color of a faun…loony…goofy…exuberant…curious…perpetrator of the possum fiasco…late night foray into the yard…a jungle…tracking…hunting…triumph…cornered critter playing dead…expelled babies...scattered on the ground…twisting about in darkness…eyes not even open…a cold nose…sniffs…nuzzles… comforts…a momentary hound mama…okay Ella come…and even she is gone…

Friday, April 5, 2013

Rationality

And in the aftermath self doubt strikes...leave them out...let nature take its course...maybe momma will return...something came back that night to eat some stray bread slices left out...but what of the babies found the next morning...and the morning after that...one alive and one dead...nature's holocaust aided by human hands and a hound...six babies dead...momma litterless...and me clawing my way back to rationality

Detritus

Found a dead baby possum this morning...cold...stiff...having struggled its way onto the patio cement...looking for momma perhaps...such a behemoth effort to move so far from the tree...from the midnight scene of utter chaos...of momma playing dead...of siblings scattered on the dirt...somehow you were overlooked in the dark...maybe you crawled blindly in the opposite direction...even in the dawn light of the next day you remained camouflaged...you looked like a leaf...or a cluster of dirt...immune even from the sniffings of the hound...the perpetrator of the whole mess...and when I saw you I so hoped for some movement...some indicator of life...of the opportunity to warm you...to bring you back...but no...not to be...only a gentle pickup...wrapped in clean white paper...deposited with the soft yard detritus...back to nature...back to your creator...

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Stilled

And so a sad ending...five little hearts silenced...ten tiny opposable thumbs in repose...five miniscule prehensile tails quieted...momma is gone...now so are her babies...no one to warm them...no teat to suckle...too young to rehabilitate...not enough resources...too many stranded baby sea lions to save...five newborn possums triaged to an eternal outcome...euthanized...put to death...their best chance of survival motionless...still I held one in my hand...warmed it...felt its fragile body...now a sensory memory...now all there is...all that's left...

Litter

Writhing...mewling...eight miniscule hands...sixteen fingers...eight opposable thumbs...four prehensile tails...four rounded toothless snouts...sniffling...scratching...eight pairs of unopened eyes...four tiny warm bodies...sometimes in a pile...sometimes not...seeking...searching...your momma's gone...her choice made...fend for yourselves...try a leaf...nuzzle a twig...you are almost camouflaged but found...now in a box...now in a car...late night shelter trip...now on a heating pad...sucking pippettes of formula...your only chance...sleep tight little ones...

Monday, April 1, 2013

April

April...my birthday month...the month that I will age yet again by one year...that I'll keep marching forward...heading towards that dark forest that beckons all of us...that pulls us unwilling towards our conclusion...that quietly draws us in...I look from side to side...I am not alone and yet I am...I am not unhappy and yet I am sad...the vastness of my life is narrowing...funneling from energetic to weary...from vigor to tedium...if I had six months left to live how would I spend them I ask myself...by redecorating my house I answer...so that in my last moments I could look around, see beauty and be content...I shall start with my living room...new vertical blinds...recover couch and chair...happy birthday.